9 10 2009

On Sunday, October 4th, 2009, I had a photo shoot with Kara Marie of Click Chick Images.  (I’ll put some of my favorites at the end of this post.)  Check out my Model Mayhem page to see my full MM profile!  =)  I figure the whole pretty face thing can’t hurt with my prospective career in broadcast journalism, and even if it doesn’t go anywhere, I can still say I had the experience.  Plus, what girl doesn’t love getting all dolled up and having her picture taken?  On another, completely random note, I just had a stretchgasm.  You know, when you’ve been in one position for an extended period of time, and then when you finally sprawl out and stretch all your limbs, a feeling of sheer ecstasy runs through your veins, bones, muscles.  Ahhhmazing.  Anyhoo, here’s those darned pictures.  Questions, concerns, suggestions?  Tell me what you think.  But most of all, enjoy.



31 07 2009

fucking hate my fucking life right now.

My mom has some little comment about everything.  She can never let something go, and she always has to keep bringing it up.

It’s done and over with.  It’s in the past.  Shut the eff up!

In the past year, I’ve…

-Lost my best friend.  And I still haven’t the slightest idea why.  She just completely stopped talking to me, and blocked me from her life.  When I’ve tried to talk to her about it, she just says she’s “not going to argue about it.”  I don’t know why we’d be arguing.  I just want to know why she apparently wants absolutely nothing to do with me anymore.  When I needed her the most this past fall, she wasn’t there.  Maybe the saddest thing is, if she needed me, even now, I’d be there in a second.

-Lost my first real, serious relationship.  We were only together for 4 and a half months.  People don’t understand that even though it was a short time, it ruined me.  We spent nearly every day together.  Not the “nearly” most people talk about.  LITERALLY, almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I fell hard.  A month or two before be broke up, he told me didn’t know if he loved me anymore.  I should ended it right then.  I wanted to make it work, though.  I cared about him.  Now that I think about it, though.  Right now, for the first time, I realize he was always slowly, but surely, bringing me down.  He persistently commented how I had so many things wrong with me.  Funny.  At the beginning of the summer, he was getting batches of tests ran.  They thought he might have cancer.  Never for a second did I doubt I would stay with him, and be there with him every step of the way.  He couldn’t say the same, apparently.  I cried myself to sleep for weeks upon weeks.  I woke up night after night, screaming, and trying to catch my breath.  I’ll never forget those nightmares.

-Lost myself.  Two years ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life.  I had specific goals; I knew where I wanted to end up.  Now, I have nothing.  I don’t know what I’m going to do next week, let alone even just a month from now.  Yes, a lot of people encounter this probably at least once in their lifetime.  It doesn’t make it any easier, though.  Obviously.  I don’t even know where to start.  “One day at a time” doesn’t even work.  “Baby steps” doesn’t apply.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I feel like two different people when I’m at home, and when I’m at school.  I can’t be myself at home.  I don’t even know who “myself” is right now.

Friendships sail.  Sometimes the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you.  And only time will tell.

Reminiscing is self-destructive.

Complications, more so I can say
Promises and deadlines make it hard to stay away.
All these strings are attaching to me,
And I can’t find the scissors.

I’ll untangle them, we’re back in a knot.
I can’t remember where I was, I forgot.
Knitting it all, these holes that I need,
To crawl through a brick wall,
Is hard to say the least.

Where’s that thought, that thought uncomplicated things?
Where’s that peace of mind, that peace that made it easy?
Where’s that simple day, that simply made it nice to be in.
Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go?

I got you a murky light, tell me what can you see?
A huge cloud of shit, hanging over me.
Can you blow it all somewhere else?
It’s making it hell to distinguish myself.
Tired of the tyrants who only think they’re the bee’s knees.
Pissed with their patience, they constantly agree.
“Yes sir, yes sir, three hundred bags full.”
It’s easier to say yes than to say no to a fool.

Where’s that thought, that thought uncomplicated things?
Where’s that peace of mind, that peace that made it easy?
Where’s that simple day, that simply made it nice to be in.
Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go?

Cover me in cyanide
Cover me in ink
Cover me in formaldehyde
And leave me here to think.
Cover me in carpet
Cover me in tile.
Cover me in everything and put me in a file.

Strip me bare, don’t let me breathe.
Strip me to my skin.
Strip me so you can watch me clean off,
All these things I’ve been.
Strip me naked of these walls
Strip me of all my rules
Strip me boy and see how small I am without you.

Inseminate the good now
Inseminate the pure
Inseminate all the shit that I’ve forgotten how to whore.
Inseminate the natural
Inseminate the dirt
Inseminate the ineffectual
And leave me here to love.

Leave me here to love

Where’s that thought, that thought uncomplicated things?
Where’s that peace of mind, that peace that made it easy?
Where’s that simple day, that simply made it nice to be in.
Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go?

Leave me here to love

A few days later…

16 03 2009

Didn’t get to see the bff, afterall. *Que sad face* Laid out today. Pretty sure it was about 55 degrees.  That’s NWPA – or N Dubs PA, as I like to call it – for ya!  Put lotion on after my shower last night.  My skin just glistened and sparkled in the sun.  It was beautiful!  It reminded me of the sparkle of Edward’s skin in Twilight, which I finally finished today.  Some parts were so intense.  Like when he nuzzled her, his mouth so close to her throat… WHOA!  Gonna take a brake before I delve into the second book, New Moon, though.  It’s so captivating.  I thought the beginning of Twilight started a bit slow, but was so enthralling once the story got rolling.  I need to recover for awhile before I start into another Stephanie Meyer frenzy.  Ordered a few books from Barnes & Noble last night, since I had a gift card and some spare time.  – Ooh, “Thinking of You” by Katy Perry is on right now.  I absolutely love that song!  I just noticed I’m really into songs that you can feel a sense of desperation in right now.  This song, “You Found Me” by The Fray, and “Found My Place” by Augustana, for example.  It’s like a heart calling for help almost. – Back to reality.  I ordered “Taylor Five” by Ann Halam, who wrote “Dr. Franklin’s Island”, which I loved.  It was so eerie and ghastly, but also enlightening.  I also ordered a Robert Cormier book, titled “Tenderness”, about a young man who just got of juvie for murdering two members of his family, and then goes on a spree, killing teenage girls.  Apparently, though, a girl falls in love with him, and then the story becomes about whether they will be each others’ salvation or demise.  Cormier wrote “The Rag and Bone Shop”, also very eerie.  Again, though, very good.  I read both of them back in tenth grade, I believe.  Ninth or tenth, anyway.  I was really into reading then.  I couldn’t get enough.  I kind of go through spells.  The third book I ordered is by my favorite author, E. Lockhart, and two other women, Sarah Mlynowski and Lauren Myracle.  The name of it is “How To Be Bad”, but I don’t remember much else about.  I think there are three girls in it and somehow their stories converge.  Mmm, I’m so excited to get them!  Oy!  It’s 2:01 now, and I have class tomorrow.  A.k.a. I believe a pillow upstairs is awaiting me.  Night, all.

First Blog Post Ever

13 03 2009

Turned 20 on the 8th.  Trying this out.  I swear, by the time I’m like, 23, I’m going to be the most connected person ever.  MySpace: check.  Facebook: check.  Twitter: check.  YouTube: check.  Blog: check!  Woke up today at like 2:30.  Have this weird feeeling in my throat.  It’s yucky.  Boo for feeling crappy. Can’t wait to go home for the weekend, and see my bff, and mi madre.  Gah, I’m so hungry.  This is so freaking random.  LoL.  Pretty sure I’ve finally mastered stream of consciousness writing.  Woo!  P.S. Pete Wentz’s Twitter is amazing.  He has a bunch of the the little symbolic blurbs that used to show up in F.O.B.’s albums.  Not sure how I feel about Folie a Deux.  Some really good, catchy stuff, but I miss the symbolism.  It made my day, every day.  K, I’m gonna go get food and call the mumsy.